Authentic Practice
Personal Experiences of Authentic Practice
People with actual meditation experience know that after social interactions, when they sit in meditation in a quiet room, their minds often continue to be filled with conversations, dialogues, discussions, and arguments with the person they interacted with. It is difficult to calm these thoughts, which can be very exhausting and hinder entering a state of stillness. I often pondered, why are these bothersome words persisting and not going away?
One time, I realized it was because my mind kept thinking about a particular person. Whenever thoughts of that person arose, there would be a dialogue with them. I then questioned why I was constantly thinking of someone when I was in a quiet room with no one to talk to. Why allow these endless conversations to cause fatigue? So, whenever thoughts of anyone arose, I let them go. By letting go of thoughts about people, the dialogues in my mind disappeared, and I found peace.
After practicing like this for a while, I noticed that even without thoughts of a specific person, there were still words in my mind, making it less clear. I realized that although I wasn't thinking of a specific person, I was still thinking about people in general. Due to habitual thinking patterns, any known phenomenon would automatically be translated into words. Now, I didn't need to describe my experiences to anyone, so why not abandon all words and simply reside in pure awareness alone? As if there were no one in the world but me. By doing this, all words in my mind ceased, and my inner self became quiet.
Continuing this practice, I observed that when the inner dialogue quieted down, perceptions would manifest as mental images. For example, hearing a bird's chirp would create a mental image of a bird, even though I hadn't actually seen one. I understood that this mental image was just a thought. Regardless of whether there was actually a bird chirping, these mental images were not real. So, why should I pay them any attention? When I realized that all perceptions were like this, I stopped engaging with them and remained in true awareness without giving rise to mental images.
Upon stabilizing this state, I found that when hearing a sound, the only true awareness at that moment was hearing itself. Hearing awareness arises first, followed by thoughts of sound and ears. Without the initial hearing awareness, neither sound nor ears could be known. Only when hearing awareness arose did corresponding thoughts of sound, ears, and other related thoughts emerge. However, if this hearing awareness did not arise, these thoughts wouldn't manifest. Awareness is the origin of all these mental phenomena.
Furthermore, I discovered that all external perceptions were similar. When awareness of something arose, corresponding thoughts would follow. Before awareness arose, there was no origin, and after it disappeared, there was no existence elsewhere. Everything arose and ceased due to conditions, independent of me. The subsequent thoughts that arose from awareness were also independent of me. So, why should I concern myself with them? Once I was certain of this, I no longer engaged with external perceptions or gave rise to external thoughts. By not thinking externally or internally, external awareness ceased to manifest.
In this way, I realized that when aware of sound, it was associated with defilements and movements. Being aware of ears was also associated with defilements and movements. When there were no thoughts or perceptions of color, sound, smell, taste, or touch, the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind wouldn't arise. The inner self would become still, without defilements or movements.
It's like having a lit candle in a room; if there is a draft, the flame will flicker, but if there is no draft, the flame will remain still. It's also like a person standing in a thorn bush; any movement causes pain, and only by not moving can the pain and awareness of the thorns be avoided.
After practicing like this for some time, I realized that even in this state, there were still thoughts and perceptions, which meant there were actions and rebirth. If life ended at that moment, nothing would disappear; it would simply be the absence of those thoughts and perceptions. There was nothing to fear. If life continued, there would be no continuation; it would only be the rebirth of those thoughts and perceptions, leading to suffering. Seeing the harmlessness of the absence of thoughts and the danger of their rebirth, I inclined towards non-action and abandoned all thoughts.
The experiences I shared arose naturally during my continuous Zen practice over a span of approximately two years. The journey was filled with numerous experiences that are difficult to summarize systematically. Therefore, I have only written about parts of my experiences that I believe played a significant role, for the reference of my friends.